Whiskey, Waiver Wires, and The Marshmallow Test


There was a study conducted in the late 1960’s by Stanford professor Walter Mischel, to identify a link between delayed gratification, and future success.  Sixteen boys and girls, aged 3-5 years old were sat in a room and given a choice: you can have 1 marshmallow right now, or 2 marshmallows if you’re willing to wait a short while.  And in glorious, manipulative fashion- these sick bastards left each child in the room with both plates of marshmallows.  Most kids broke and went for the 1 marshmallow.  I would have ate all 3 and asked for 1 more using a very specific finger.

It’s not over.

Then these weirdos followed up with the children over the following decades to see what has come of their lives; like some warped Sesame Street meets animal tagging scene.  But here’s where the weirdos win, and the 3rd marshmallow falls slowly from my shocked, adolescent mouth.  There was a direct link between those little shits that waited for the 2 marshmallows and how well they fared later in life.  And not judged by some out there metrics, either.  Very simple: the kids that waited would go on to have more advanced education, jobs with higher incomes, and better health.

Well, color me fat.

Let’s all do Professor Mischel’s sick work justice and not eat the marshmallow this season.

  1. DO NOT DRAFT EARLY! Waiting to draft as late as your league possibly can (I prefer the end of August) gives you as much information as possible.  This is a game of information- the more you have, the better off you’ll be.  You may have just drafted Todd Gurley in the early 1st round.  Life is good, right!  That is, until you find out that over the holiday weekend Todd’s legs were blown off at a Jason Pierre pool party.  *This publication does not condone the blowing off of Mr. Gurley, or any Rams running backs’ legs.  Not even Tre Mason.* Football is the ultimate co-dependent sport.  Losing a pro-bowl center can affect your stud receiver.  A star wide-out goes down, and boom!  No double coverage and a more predictable offense leads to a box stacked of defenders and your ace running back looking at anemic numbers.  These things happen.  That’s why God invented whiskey and waiver wires.  There’s enough frustration waiting for us all during the course of each fantasy season- don’t bend over and wink for more.  Unless, you enjoy the pain and need a hug from dad.  You know who doesn’t need a hug?  Todd Gurley.  He needs legs for Christ’s sake, jeez, a little sympathy.
  2. DO NOT SCOUT PLAYERS, yet! Investing your time in July on scouting your players and where you rank them, is a waste of it.  Studs are still studs, duds are still duds, and Melvin Gordon is still the premier back of the San Diego Chargers, right Danny Woodhead?!  If you really want to use your time wisely and give you an edge: look at the guys behind the guys.  Coaching changes, coordinator changes, trades, retirements, and contracts.  This may not be the sexiest of data to analyze, but doing an X-ray of a team will give you insight into where a team is trending.  Ever say, “Where the hell did this guy come from?!”  This is usually no coincidence.  When it’s not obvious, and someone starts to blow up, it can almost always be reverse-engineered to the factors mentioned.  *Next week’s article will highlight coordinator changes and their impact.  And no, I will not be ranking all 32 NFL offensive coordinators.  I’d just as soon waterboard you with NyQuil.
  3. STOP LISTENING TO US! Make no mistake; I will do player evaluation before you should start listening.  I completely would have failed the aforementioned test and have the lack of impulse control to prove it.  Ignore it. Be better than me.  Remember when I said next week’s article will stay on course and dive into offensive coordinators.  Yeah, I probably lied.  It will end up being about tight ends and the women that love them.

Or, maybe we’ll surprise each other.  Stranger things have happened.

Enjoy your marshmallow(s).

Published by:

Michael Dorsey


Published by Tony Cutillo

I am an enthusiastic sports and entertainment lover that likes to debate and conversate the most pressing issues in the business today. The world is full of people who like to exaggerate they way they feel to push public perception, but I am not one of them. I like to keep to the facts and report all sources that help me come to my conclusions. I hope you enjoy my articles!

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